SNRUIRNHAIBLILHAARHY

Wednesday, August 10, 2011.

You all should feel sorry for my loss.
Like right now. I can't hold on to my tears. 3rd August where i saw him, breathless, i can't touch him. I've seen him clearly, with his placenta.. I saw his eyes, nose, mouth.. Everything. I broke down. I feel like killing myself now. I've been in my room from the day i admit out from SGH, till now.. I will nvr get over it. He's my life. I've been thinking far about us. I've been working so hard for us.
I want to feed you, i want to educate you very very well. I don't want you to feel miserable in life, just like me. I want you to feel so welcomed by this world. I was so worried. I was really looking forward for you. I love you so much, sayang, so so much :"(

He was 18.3 CM. You can see his head there, on the right. And his fingers there? He's waving. His leg on the left, he was bending. It's like as if he knows the doctor's taking his picture
For 5 months, i've been carrying you everywhere. Never for once, thinking of giving up on you. Because i know, in the future you'll always be there for me. I know, you'll love me so much, forever. And i'll love you so much and we both can sacrifice for each other more then anyone. For past 2 months, i feel you kicking. I always smile when it happen. When it's time for ultrasound scan, i saw your fingers,they were waving. You somersault. I saw your heartbeat, your spine.. You were so perfect, the greatest gift i have all this 20 years of my life.

The loss is always painful, i've discovered. Never a good time to lose an awaited and wanted loved one. People will never imagine how i'm feeling now. I'm so jealous looking at all the pregnant ladies.. Jealous, sad.. Ya Allah..

And now, a week later, I feel flat and empty. My cousin's baby is due in a month time. Touching baby clothes is oddly satisfying.. It brings to the surface the pain and reminds me that my lost baby was real, that he might also have filled them. But I no longer belong there and have to look away from the newborn babies and happy, expectant mothers :'( This is terribly upset..
My pain is something, no one can understand.

May you rest in peace, my son. Ryan Hanzfy <3

Blogged @ 8:38 AM